THE MINISTRY OF STEAMPUNK
THE TOWN THAT NEVER WAS
2024 TIMETABLE
Welcome to the programme for the Steampunk Weekend at Blists Hill Victorian Town .
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You can download the full programme as a PDF by clicking the day icon below, or scross down to see the full programme on the website.
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The Timetable below is correct as at 26 June 2024.
UNTIMED FEATURES - BOTH DAYS
The Victorian Town at Blists Hill is a brilliant place to visit any day of the year, with a host of period buildings brimming with content and staffed by helpful and charming people in period costume only too happy to tell you about the lives they led back in Victorian Times. Even without the MoS and our steampunk friends in attendance, there is more to see at Blists Hill than you can expect to fit into a single day.
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But over the weekend of 29-30 June 2024, Blists Hill Victorian Town becomes The Town That Never Was which is one of the most popular and busiest weekends of the year at the Town and here is why...
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As well as the timed features listed below (which are different on Saturday and Sunday) there will be a number of untimed features running on both days.
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There will be a curated Steampunk market of traders who you will find occupying various buildings in the upper town, the Ironworks in the lower town and on The Green.
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Part way down the hill on the right in the Sawmill you will find Herr Döktor and a selection of his timeless creations and slightly further down the hill on the left in the Estate Office you will encounter the magnificent folk of the National Institute of Monster and Paranormal Hunters (NIMPH); do go and check out their artefacts if you dare!
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Elsewhere there will also be some large creations on display including Explorers Unlimited and for the first time a display of artefacts belonging to the Steampunk Sallys in the Mission Church 'down in the woods'; it's probably best not to go into the woods alone!
There will also be a hat making workshop in the Boys Brigade Hut (check out the separate listing on our Facebook page Welcome to the Asylum).
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Entries for the second H.G. Wells Award (part of the Great Exhibition) will be on display in a room in the School House in the lower town.
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You may also come across Pinocchio and his friend R2-SP (Steampunk R2-D2) in the upper town, quite possibly hanging around the Goods Yard which will be housing some of our traders, but outside of which we expect to have the MoS Passport Office where you can have your Steampunk Passport stamped for the occasion, or you can buy a new one for the princely sum of £1 (or 1 guinea if you prefer).
TIMED FEATURES - SATURDAY
10:30
TEAPOT RACING
What could be a better way to begin your day at the Victorian Town than by racing a motorised teapot around an assault course? Timing is of the essence when making tea, so it should come as no surprise that timing matters when you are racing teapots too.
Come and see what the fuss about at the Artisan Yard (turn left at The New Inn Public House and you will find the Artisan round by the canal).
Artisan Yard
11:00
TADLOP ON TOUR
The Telford and District Light Operative Players (TADLOP for short) are an enthusiastic and melodious group based locally to Blists Hill who perform musical theatre shows twice a year. In 2023 they came to The Town That Never Was and went down brilliantly well, so we have invited them back this year.
Upper Town
11:30
TOWN MAYOR ELECTION
A town as important as The Town That Never Was clearly needs leadership and for a number of years we have elected a Town Mayor. There are usually a variety of hopeful candidates and there have been some pretty shady practices over the years, from the Cthulhu Party fiddling the ballot to the Biscuit Appreciaton Party (who currently hold office) bribing the electorate with biscuits and in doing so creating havoc with the town's waistlines.
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Needless to say we are looking for a new Mayor this year - but be warned, last year's Mayor will be back again offering biscuits and bad puns, so please do consider standing for election yourself.
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Let's face it. What could possibly go wrong?
Upper Town
12:00
HIGH NOON SHOOT OUT
With our optional Steam Western theme this year we just had to put the High Noon Shoot Out on the menu. This is an old favourite from the Asylum in which opponents with nerves of steel use wholly unreliable nerf guns to settle old (or new) scores.
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It's a high adrenalin activity to watch, let alone to take part in.
Upper Town
12:00
TEA DUELLING
Once you're done with Teapot Racing and if you haven't managed to settle any disputes to your complete satisfaction at the High Noon Shoot Out, it could well be time to fire up the kettle and take part in the quintessential tournament that is Tea Duelling.
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It's the perfect combination of steady hands and soggy biscuits, optimism and jeopardy. It can be just for fun but if you win the weekend tournament it could also gain you a place at the World Tea Duelling competition at Asylum XIV in August. Now there's a thought. Picking up a malted milk biscuit at The Town That Never Was could be the first step towards being named as 2024 Tea Duelling Champion of the World.
School House
12:30
STEAMPUNK SALLYS
Based loosely on the Salvation Army, the Steampunk Sallys are a larger than life force to be reckoned with. Like all good sisterhoods, the Sallys (many of them men) adopt the name Anna on joining the group and they do their mission work under the stern and yet tuneful watch of General Anna Bollick.
On Saturday at The Town That Never Was the Steampunk Sallys will be holding a Temperance Meeting starting at the Artisan Yard (by the canal) but there is a very real risk the 'meeting' will spread out, quite possibly in the direction of the New Inn Public House where activities that trouble the Sally are said to occasionally take place.
If you are in the pub and hear the drums and timbrels approaching, that might be a good time to finish your pint...
Artisan Yard
12:30
WHAT IS STEAMPUNK?
It can be hard to define exactly what Steampunk is but many of us feel we know it when we see it. In this talk aimed mainly at the steam-curious (those who have yet to embrace steampunk as a hobby but are wondering what it s all about) the Ministry's Major Tinker will tell you everything you need to know about steampunk, but be warned, the more you find out the more hooked you will become.
School House
13:00
THE ILLICIT MARKET
The Illicit Market is a fun activity combining trading of wares and an element of role-play. The broad idea (check out the Illicit Market page under the Features tab here for more information) is that individuals can bring along a small collection of goods to offer for sale for a period of around an hour.
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The 'illicit' element of the market refers to the way it is run, as an 'underground' enterprise, with a small risk of being caught by the Police (but no risk of actually being locked up).
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Illicit markets can be a really good way to buy and sell goods, so check out the details here and bring along your wares; you might just make a fortune - or else just come along and grab yourself a bargain.
Upper Town
13:00
MOVIE-STYLE MAGIC
This will be a feature aimed at our younger attendees, demonstrating how special effects are used to create magic in film and TV.
Meet up on The Green and we will take you on a very special journey...
The Green
13:30
SEA SHANTIES
The crew of M/V Storm Petrel love few things more than singing Sea Shanties and this will be your opportunity to not only listen to their fine voices but add your own. By the end you will swear you can smell the sea.
Upper Town
13:30
LINE DANCING
With this year's optional Steam Western theme, what could be more appropriate than a demonstration and lesson in Line Dancing?
Come down to the lower town and see our teacher and her friends demonstrate the moves and then join in yourselves to seriously upgrade your Steam Western credentials.
You don't need to be dressed in Steam Western attire to join in.
Lower Town
14:00
THAUMATROPE WORKSHOP
Another feature aimed at our younger visitors. The Thaumatrope is an optical illusion toy that was invented by John Ayrton Paris and became popular in the 19th Century. Come along and make your own!
Lower Town
14:30
TADLOP ON TOUR
This will be your second chance today to see and hear The Telford and District Light Operative Players perform a selction of well known and some newer songs from popular musicals, this time in the lower part of town.
Lower Town
14:30
PARASOL DUELLING
Another potentially high-adrenaline sport, Parasol Duelling combines the highly skilled decision making required to play rock-paper-scissors with the technical wizardry required to open or close a parasol.
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Come and try your hand (and brain). The winner will take home a parasol as a prize (or an umbrella if it rains, which we hope it won't).
The Green
15:00
STEAMPUNK SALLYS BAND
However successful the Steampunk Sallys are at persuading those in the Upper Town to give up the demon booze on Saturday morning they are sure to be in fine form when they amass their instruments down in the lower town for a rousing chorus of - sorry my mind's gone blank for a moment - must be the booze.
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They are always highly entertaining. Be there (but hide the bottle).
Lower Town
15:30
STEAMPUNK PROMENADE
The geography of The Town That Never Was is such that visitors tend to linger in the upper town for the first part of the day and then gravitate to the lower part of the town later on.
Steampunks love to promenade and mid-afternoon after their performance in the lower town, the Steampunk Sallys will lead the way as many of us promenade back up to the Upper Town to see all the exhibits and traders we missed earlier in the day.
You are of course welcome to walk up and down the hill between the upper and lower town as many times as you like each day.
There's lots to see either side of the path as you do, including some of the untimed features listed above, the Doctor's Surgery and the perennially popular pig pen.
The Green
TIMED FEATURES - SUNDAY
10:30
BELLY FUSION DANCE COLLECTIVE
Belly Fusion are a collection of fabulous friends who put on the most beautiful demonstrations of tribal belly dancing. They are mesmerising to watch and always attract a crowd.
Upper Town
11:00
TEAPOT RACING
What could be a better way to begin the second day at the Victorian Town than by once again racing a motorised teapot around an assault course? Timing is of the essence when making tea, so it should come as no surprise that timing matters when you are racing teapots too.
Come and see what the fuss about at the Artisan Yard (turn left at The New Inn Public House and you will find the Artisan Yard round by the canal).
Artisan Yard
11:30
TOWN SHERIFF ELECTION
The Ministry of Steampunk don't like our events to be the same every day and of course it makes little sense to elect a Town Mayor for one day on Saturday and then repeat the election for the rest of the year the following day. In 2023 therefore, we elected the Mayor on Saturday and the Minister for Time Travel on Sunday. Be warned; he is still in office.
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This year as part of the optional Steam Western theme we will be electing a Town Sheriff on Sunday morning who will stand for the next year, or until we elect another Sheriff.
Do you have what it takes to keep order in this town? Can you stand with your knees apart, looking like you've just got off a horse ? Maybe you have what it takes to become the first ever Sheriff of The Town That Never Was.
Upper Town
11:30
THE HISTORY OF THE SALVATION ARMY
Join General Anna Bollick for a part serious but definitely highly entertaining account of the history of the Salvation Army - and possibly also of the Steampunk Sallys.
Find out how it all started, what makes them tick and why the Steampunk Sallys have got it in for booze and loose women. But beware, Anna is very persuasive and you might just become a convert.
School House
12:00
HIGH NOON SHOOT OUT
It's back again. There's always trouble a-brewing in this Steampunk Western Town and there's going to be trouble at high noon.
Upper Town
12:00
THE HISTORY OF STEAMPUNK
On Sunday Major Tinker will be giving another talk aimed mainly at those new or newish to Steampunk or those who been having such a great time in Steampunk that they have forgotten how it all started.
Please be warned that this talk is likely to contain anecdotes.
School House
12:30
TADLOP ON TOUR
Back (from yesterday) by popular demand, The Telford and District Light Operative Players (TADLOP for short) will be singing for us again on Sunday morning. You can expect a selection of great tunes - many of which you will know - sung with stage presence and conviction.
Upper Town
12:30
TEA DUELLING
It's back on the menu again, the perfect combination of nerves of steel and soggy biscuits, optimism and jeopardy. It can be just for fun but if you win over the weekend it could also gain you a place at the World Tea Duelling competition at Asylum XIV in August. Now there's a thought. Picking up a malted milk biscuit at The Town That Never Was could be the first step towards being named as Tea Duelling Champion of the World.
School House
13:00
BELLY FUSION DANCE COLLECTIVE
Another performance by the joyful troupe of tribal belly dancers with the infectious smiles. Every one of their performances is a masterclass in synchronised graceful movement.
Upper Town
13:00
SEA SHANTIES
Today the crew of M/V Storm Petrel will be singing - Sea Shanties! Come and listen, come and join in, just watch out the seagulls don't steal your chips...
Lower Town
13:30
BRASS BAND
We wanted to have something very very special on the programme for Sunday afternoon at The Town That Never Was this year and after considering a number of options we are delighted that we will be hosting a concert performance by the Wellington (Telford) Brass Band.
This very busy Brass Band has a great reputation locally and if you check out their Facebook page you will see videos of a number of recent performances.
Having the Wellington Brass Band playing down by The Green on Sunday Afternoon promises to lift our spirits, make us fancy an ice cream or a drink and peruse the carefully selected Steampunk traders' stalls a little longer.
Lower Town
14:00
THAUMATROPE WORKSHOP
Another feature aimed at our younger visitors. The Thaumatrope is an optical illusion toy that was invented by John Ayrton Paris and became popular in the 19th Century. Come along and make your own!
Lower Town
15:00
BELLY FUSION DANCE COLLECTIVE
This will be your final chance to see the graceful and whimsical ladies of Belly Fusion Dance Collective before their next MoS appearance at The Asylum in August.
Lower Town
15:30
STEAMPUNK SALLYS & GRAND PROMENADE
Once again we are back to the outrageous fabulousness of General Anna Bollick and her highly disciplined band of saved souls who will entertain us for the last time this weekend and then deliver us effortlessly up to the top of town where we will be serenaded for the last time this year at The Town That Never Was by...
Lower Town
15:45
TADLOP
After the brass band and the Steampunk Sallys it will be time for one last heart-warming performance of musical genius from the TADLOP singers. They have the final performance at The Town That Never Was in 2023 and it seems only right to give them the same honour this year.
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The Town will still be open for business a while longer after TADLOP complete their set, so there will still be time to check out any parts of the town you skipped-by earlier or to make sure you get your passport stamped before you set off on your journey home wondering how long you are going to have to wait before you come to Weekend at the Asylum in August!
Upper Town
PLEASE NOTE
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All times and performances listed above are correct as of the date at the top of the page. Despite the Minister of Time Travel's best efforts, time can be a little fluid at The Town That Never Was, so please expect some slippage in the published times. And of course the features, times and locations are dependent on performer availability, weather and a host of other factors outside of our control (but maybe the Town Mayor can fix them?)
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